One definition of the word “Formula” is: a fixed pattern used to achieve consistent results. We use formulas at Home Depot to determine how much flooring we need for a room (remember A=LxW)? And the all important Compound Interest Formula is critical for long term financial planning- invest early kids!
Though I’m sure you’re deeply passionate about flooring and retirement, one could argue that “Happy Family” may also be a top priority. So have you ever wondered whether a “Happy Family Formula” exists?
I’m a math and science geek but my first crack at figuring this out made my head spin. There were SO MANY variables to consider.
Let’s see, Happy Kids=Many Hugs+Many Kisses+Play Time++++. What about Happy Partners? We’d have to throw in Date Nights+Affection+Professional Support+Emotional Support+++. And let’s not even begin to try to figure out what we, as individuals, would need!
But what if the formula for a “Happy Family” was much simpler? After an unofficial, undercover home experiment, I dare to propose this formula.
Happy Family=Each Family Member Doing What Makes Them Happy
Now you have to know this is a revolutionary idea for me based on my upbringing. I grew up observing my Mom proudly wear countless badges of ultimate mom sacrifice. If this were a video game, she’d racked up a boat load of points and achieved “Expert Level”.
My Mom often went without. Without new clothes, sleep, time for herself and financial security. It was done under her belief that she alone was not worthy of her own time and energy, but somehow others were.
I was my Mom’s tail, I followed her everywhere and always felt this need to protect her. Even though we benefited from her “sacrifices”, I wondered why her giving up so much was the “right” thing to do.
I often encouraged Mom to rest, to take care of herself, but rarely saw the advice heeded. The lopsided pile of responsibility she carried never sat well with me. Nonetheless, I eventually adopted her beliefs as my own.
As a child, I’d developed a warped, self-imposed expectation of being responsible for everyone and everything. I carried this forward into adulthood and into my parenting. I thought it was my destiny to be the “Fixer”. To use my brain-power and man-power to ensure things got done efficiently and effectively with minimal emotional collateral for any third party, excluding myself.
The sad reality is my own philosophy on self-sacrifice came at a high price. Though I received joy when things worked out the way I thought they should, many sleepless nights, not listening to my body’s cues for rest and the need to control, often left me disgruntled, resentful and unfulfilled.
I’m not exactly sure what triggered the shift in me, but one day I received a sort of revelation. It was then I decided I would work to release this self-imposed burden of self-sacrifice and worry only about one thing- being happy.
If we think for a second of what the feeling of happiness evokes- energy, joy, excitement, gratitude, hope, aspiration, awe- I argue, we each have a primal burning desire and innate need, to be happy. Though we’re all connected on some higher level, this life journey is our own, and therefore we each have to own our individual journeys to “Happy”.
Boom! My hypothesis was created. The happiest families (and I propose the happiest relationships, the happiest work environments, the happiest any group), would be those with the happiest individual members.
Happy Family=Each Family Member Doing What Makes Them Happy.
This, “I do me, you do you”, philosophy wasn’t easy for me to put into action. It goes against everything I’d practiced up to this point. I had to accept that only me, myself, and I was responsible for my own happiness. No one else could make me happy, and I in turn wasn’t responsible for others’ happiness, including my children’s. Blasphemous, right?
Letting go and letting be, was a big challenge when it came to my hubby and the kids. However this new perspective led me to greater appreciation of their uniqueness.
I was able to further embrace my children’s free spirits and their ability to just DO whatever they felt compelled to do in the moment. Who was I to squelch their joy? My husband’s “no stress” attitude finally made sense. I understood his laid back approach wasn’t due to laziness or apathy, it was a conscious choice to be free of unnecessary worry. What a gift!
For me, my happiness journey includes more time for myself. Dedicating time for meditation, for exercise, creativity, writing and quiet time. It also meant becoming comfortable with saying “no”, even if it meant bruising others’ feelings or egos.
The Experiment
After a few days of reflection on the “Happy Family Hypothesis” and observing our family dynamics closely, I decided to intentionally try the formula out on my family (within reason of course!). It was time for me to let everyone march to the beat of their own drums. Let me tell you, these three individuals I live with immediately gave me a lot of material to work with!
7am: Rather than hush my 3 year old when he woke up in the morning pretending to be a puppy, and choosing to communicate only through barking, I let him bark to his heart’s content and offered him morning oatmeal “treats”. He was thrilled! I didn’t expect such an enthusiastic response.
12pm: When my eldest sang the same song over and over for an hour straight, I expressed gratitude for his musical talent and then amazingly tuned him out. He hummed all day long in his own realm of joy.
4pm: My husband decided he would eat all of the ice cream in the house, leading to a future potential WWI style tantrum from the little one. Rather than respond with my usual eye rolls and nagging, I calmly and mtter-of-factly asked him to run out and by another half-gallon, which he did. Marriage saved!
The result was a happier, less stressed ME, and happier, more relaxed THEM. Seeing them happy made me even happier, which ultimately made me a better wife and mother. It was a sick, twisted, wonderful cycle of joy. What the?!
Don’t get me wrong, in spite of the great results I’d experienced, this relinquishing of control and shift of focus inward, doesn’t come naturally or easy for me. I start fresh every day and often catch myself “off my happy path”.
My inner self-talk questions whether I’m being selfish or not nurturing my relationships enough by focusing first on what makes me happy. But I’ve realized time and time again, the best version of me leads to better things in every other aspect of my life…and ultimately those I love and interact with.
Our new family motto may very well be “You do you, I do me, and when we come together, we’re one big happy family”. I think I can rally the troops around this one.
Now go find YOUR “happy” today!
