When my firstborn arrived into this world I daydreamed of his many future milestones. First steps √. First day of school √. First loose tooth √. Playdate Planning- Huh? More of that one in a minute.
The truth is, my “New Mommy Bliss” made me overconfident. I had taken one look into my baby’s eyes and instantly became his #1 Fan and fierce protector. I decided “love would conquer all” and I would ROCK motherhood. Ignorance can be such bliss!
The reality is I had no idea what I was doing. Nothing could have prepared me for a colicky baby or my new “mommy zombie” lifestyle. I was not armed to handle bullying in preschool. I had no advanced warning of the New York City private school admissions process. And I had NEVER heard of “Cocksackie” (hand, foot, mouth, what?!).
In spite of my new Mom growing pains, by the time my pumpkin entered pre-K I felt I’d entered a parenting groove. I’d re-gained my confidence and felt things would be more predictable moving forward. Well…wrong again! I’d met my latest challenge- PLAYDATES.
For my Mom when I was growing up, play time simply meant you played with other children. Novel idea huh? It never involved coordinating schedules, personality assessments, identifying shared interests or food allergies.
Adult oversight and parental involvement with kids play were very limited. Play time was our introduction to leadership, agility, and conflict resolution. We kids were responsible for scoping out an appropriate play group, asking to join a game and keeping ourselves entertained. We would have never bothered an adult with silly complaints lest we risk being ushered home early.
From birth our little guy had tons of buddies around to play with. In addition to daycare friends, there had been a baby boom across our circle and luckily we all had children about the same age. It was perfect because the kiddies had time to play and the grown-ups had time to socialize. Win-win!
However the casual approach to kid play was flipped on it’s side when our 4 year old received an invitation for a “playdate” from a school mate..someone outside of our circle. I was initially excited for him. Then the mama anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know what a formal “playdate” entailed. And I didn’t know much about the other family or the child to be honest. This self-proclaimed control freak didn’t know the rules. Did I provide snacks for the children, wine for the mom, send a “thank you” note?
When the other child’s mom casually mentioned I could just drop my darling prince off and pick him up a few hours later (wait…what?!) my head almost exploded. My brain (and heart) could not comprehend the thought of dropping my 4 year old off at a stranger’s home for 2½ hours and then just casually walk away. I was totally caught off-guard by the concept and could only muster up an, “Oh, oh, okay” response before hanging up.
With the play date only a few days away and the initial shock wearing off, I sought advice from friends and family, but like me, most were just as inexperienced. My Mom gave me a “stranger danger” lecture then closed with “But you know what’s best”. Uh, okay, thanks Mom.
I scoured the internet for insight, but again came up empty handed. I knew I had no choice but to make a gut call- Commit or Cancel.
I finally got my “Mommy Mojo” back realizing I did know what was best for my child (and myself), and I would make this Playdate process bend to my whim. I drafted my proposal and called the other mom.
I first shared we would be bringing a snack and wanted to confirm there were no food allergies to consider. Then I dropped the bombshell that I was not yet comfortable leaving my 4 year old alone on a first playdate, so I would be staying with him this time. Her response…silence. I added I’d be bringing my laptop and would be engrossed in work. She hesitantly agreed. The next day the children had a wonderful time playing together…but we were never invited over again.
I’ve had to navigate my way through unfamiliar situations and concepts many times throughout my life journey. Haven’t we all? In my family, I’m part of the generation of “Firsts”. Those tasked with forging new ground, breaking barriers, and reaching new heights. I’ve embraced this responsibility of being a trailblazer, both a student and teacher. I’ve always felt a great sense of pride and purpose because I understand the barriers I break today pave the way for bigger and better for the next generation.
But being among the “Firsts” also has its challenges. With income bracket leaps, comes unfamiliar territory. Sometimes the biggest challenge in these situations is not in the asking for help, but in knowing who to ask for help. Who could understand the role my upbringing, traditions and culture have on my decision making? Who could I trust not to judge me? How do I manage the embarrassment of “getting it wrong”?
As I reflect back on this playdate experience 5 years later, I have no doubt I made the right call for our family at the time. I also recognize key lessons learned. One, I had to learn to let go a bit so my little one could spread his wings. Now I pack a toothbrush along with the playdate snacks, in case the other family wants to keep him for the night! Just kidding 😉 Secondly, to have confidence in my mama gut instinct. And lastly, embrace this learning journey, because it all works out in the end.
Whether it be playdates or pot roast, the best advice I can give when facing new situations, is to first do your homework. Learn and discover as much as you can, and then ultimately…trust your instincts, because what’s best for you, may look completely different for someone else. And that’s okay.
Oh, and just for the record…if you’re ever wondering whether to bring wine to our future playdates…bring the wine!
